Rebels with a Cause

I spent my weekend sick at home. It wasn't much fun. Yesterday, late afternoon, I couldn't take it anymore so I broke down and paid a visit the CVS Minute clinic (which by the way is the best idea of 2009). On my way to the clinic, I pulled up to a red traffic signal. There were two friendly-faced teenage boys standing on the corner, dressed in black waving homemade signs. I was curious -- what they were doing there? It was dusk and way too late for a car wash -- which is usually the reason a teenager stands on the corner with a homemade poster in his hands. I rolled down my tinted window to take a closer look. Scrawled in black magic marker, on white poster board one boy had written this profound statement:

"Girls poop too!!"

His friend held a similar sign which said:

"Have a nice day!" (It included a smiley face.)

Just as I finished reading the signs, the light turned green, so I stepped on the gas -- laughing at the shock of what I just read while thinking to myself: What????? I wasn't sure what they were trying to say, but nevertheless, I found it amusing.
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Had these boys recently been spurned by girls? Were they mad at their moms?? Was this a dare??? Whatever the reason, you have to hand it too them... standing there with those signs was putting it out there in a big way.

When I got home from the Minute Clinic, I told Eden and Claire about my encounter.

Claire laughed and said "I probably go to school with those guys, what did they look like?"

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Eden said "It's true... some girls act like they don't poop...... but they do!

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Glad someone in my family understood the rebel message.

I Love You, I Hate You: Part 2

Another reason I hate the Olympics -- two weeks of watching speed skating put ideas into Matt's head. Wild ideas. Here's how I know: Yesterday, I caught Matt searching the Internet for speed skating classes.

And... I saw him speed skating down the hall in his socks! I lectured him for the millionth time "Matt ... if you are going to be a dare devil, double our life insurance policy!!!!" (He scowls when I say that.)

Photography 125: Part 1

Did I tell you that I'm taking a photography class this quarter? Well I am -- Photography 125 (also known as beginning photography). I signed up because I decided it was about time that I got out of "automatic" mode and learned how to use all those buttons on my camera. And ... I thought it would be an easy "A". Well, I discovered, it's not going to be an easy "A" -- which is a good thing, because sometimes you need to be challenged. Maybe that's what getting out of automatic mode is all about. I'm working on "manual" -- where you set the camera to fit specific conditions --- sunny days, dark days, slow motion, action shots. Sounds a lot like life, huh.

So for the past few weeks we've been learning about aperture, F stops, shutter speed, and ISO. If you understand these terms, I envy you. You must be in manual mode you lucky dog. I have to leave in a minute to take hundreds of shots which will prove that I understand these concepts -- which is alarming because I don't. I'm still so confused. But I'm not giving up -- even if it means I have to settle for a "B." Plus, I feel pressure because I'm assuming that our teacher is expecting interesting shots which frightens me a little. So far, I've captured BORING. See what I mean. I call this "Car in Driveway."


But... I remembered something today that gave me hope. Last November, a wonderful photographer by the name of Jefra told me a little secret. She said "It doesn't matter what kind of camera you use .... you can get great shots with any type of camera. It's all a matter of training your eyes to see. When you take a photograph, tell a story.... show people what you see." And to prove this, Jefra had a slide show with all sorts of photographs using all sorts of cameras. Every single one of them was beautiful. I just couldn't get over the fact that some of them were taken with the camera in her cell phone. I wish you could see them too because you would be amazed, I guarantee it. Jefra tells beautiful stories from behind her lens.



So, today as I embark on my adventure, I am going to remember her words, and try to capture what I see. I think this exercise is going to be exciting because it will require me to really look -- which sometimes I don't. When I make time to really look, I see beautiful in the ordinary -- and really, when you look at a great photograph, isn't that what they usually capture?



Wish me luck. Maybe if I get brave, I'll show you my first baby steps in manual mode.

Drive Thru Tip

Today my kids and I were driving home from San Diego. For some reason unbeknownst to me, they were grumpy and they started to fight. I figured out that they hadn't eaten in a while and they were probably hungry, so I pulled into a McDonalds drive-thru for some food.

I pulled up to the microphone box (kids arguing in background) and an unusually cheerful voice said:

"Welcome to McDonalds! Would you like to try our delicious new ......Frappachino drink?"

I responded in a most serious tone:

"No thank you. I think I'll have ....... (long pause) one of your old greasy cheeseburgers please."

I urge you to try this the next time you go to the drive through just to see what happens. Here's what happened to me:

A muffled snickering erupted from the microphone. The voice started to say something, and then it burst out laughing. I pulled forward.

My kids stopped fighting and started laughing.... hysterically laughing. Laughing so hard that I thought Eden was going to wet his pants.... which would have been a disaster on my leather seats. Then I started laughing ... hysterically laughing... because they were laughing. I love it when they laugh.

Then I pulled up to the drive-thru window and the McDonald's employee was still snickering and smiling as he handed me my bag ..... and so were the employees in the background.

Sometimes it doesn't take much to turn your day around.

My New BFF

I have a new best friend. Yes I do. Shauna, and Kathy, and Suzy and the rest of you who have been my dearest friends for who knows how long..... you have been replaced. I'm sorry, I can't help it. I have only known her for a month, but this friend knows me better than I know myself. She is so talented that I am constantly saying "How do you do that?"

I'm almost afraid to tell you her name because you might want to steal her for yourself. Her name is Pandora. Have you met her??

The first time I paid her a visit she asked me .... What kind of songs do you like? So I told her -- I like Dave Matthews, James Taylor, John Mayer and acoustical guitars. That's all I said, but you know what she did -- she played hours and hours of my FAVORITE tunes. Tunes from 1970 that no one but me knows I love. She played selections from America, Billy Joel, Crosby Stills, Nash and Young.... and get this (this is how I know she's my true friend) she played an acoustical selection of Primary songs!!!!!!! I didn't even tell her that I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints... but she knew!!! How did she know that??? I love Pandora. Love. Her.

I think I'm willing to share her friendship with you -- because I like you too. You can visit her at: http://www.pandora.com/ Just you wait, you are going to love Pandora as much as I do.

I love you, I hate you

Post edit: I had to re-write this after I went to dinner with my friends this week Our conversation was hilarious.

I have a confession: I have a love-hate relationship with the Olympics.

Here' what I love about the winter games:

Opening ceremonies. I love watching the athletes walk into Olympic stadium. I love the excitement on their faces -- like they just can't believe they are marching around waving a flag in the OLYMPICS! I love looking at all the outfits. It's a sportswear fashion show! I always wonder what kind of hat the United States is going to wear. Loved the Ralph Lauren hat this year .... but have you tried to buy one??? Seventy-five dollars my friend, $75.00! Who does Ralph think he is -- a superstar designer!! My personal favorite is the beret of the Salt Lake games. Too cool and it was only about $20.00!!

I feel sorry for the country that had to wear brown. I wear lots of brown ... but brown is just not a color I think of when I think sports.... and Olympics. Plus, no one watches the guy in brown. He fades away -- even if he's in first place! Can you even name the country that is wearing brown.... I can't! I'm sure they haven't got any medals.... and it's all because of the brown. They should have consulted with Ralph Lauren.

I love watching the Olympians battle for gold. That Shawn White is just amazing!! I also like watching the women's downhill and the speed skating. What dare devils!!!!

I love watching the faces of the winners as they stand on on podium listening to their national anthem. There is such joy in their eyes. They look like they are going to burst open, spilling happiness all over the crowd. I can't help but cry as I watch. I have to say I was a little disappointed in Shawn White -- as he waived at friends and played air guitar instead of putting his hand over his heart. Matt said that he thinks Shawn was just fine and that I'm an old fogey (Which I don't even know how to spell.) That Shawn White is a scalawag if you ask me!

I love the ice skating commentators. Ice skating would not be the same without Scott Hamilton in the background whispering "aaggggghh" when someone falls. I love sitting on my sofa nerve-wrecked as the Americans skate their long programs. It just might be too much stress for spectators -- my blood pressure goes up at least 20 points watching all the drama. I'm not sure what I think about the men who go hysterical crying when they finish their program though. I had to avert my eyes. But I admit.... I would probably go hysterical too if it were me ....which it is not.... and never will be.

I love the closing ceremony when all the pressure is over, It's fun to watch the Olympians laughing and taking pictures as they mingle with people from other countries.

But... here's the dark side -- the things I don't like about Olympic week:

I hate suffering from sleep deprivation because I stay up until all hours watching events I could care less about -- like curling. My friends and I were talking about this at dinner last night. Why is curling even an Olympic event?? Anyone who has ever had to clean a house could try out for the team! I think I might take a stab at the 2014 games. I'm good with a broom and I'm also an expert at kicking stuff out of the way as I frantically sweep (when the doorbell rings by an unexpected visitor) -- which is pretty much what you do in Curling .... except it's on ice. I'd have to check to see if they even make Olympic uniforms in plus sizes. But if Ralph Lauren's in charge, I think he could whip something up that flatters my figure. He did an amazing job with the American Bobsledders who wore Lycra even though some of them sported a few bulges in the mid-section .... if you know what I mean.

Imagine if you will a curling team of middle aged women dressed in baggy snowbarding pants walking into the Olympic stadium with all those youngsters. Think of the drama -- as they stand on the ice, brooms in hand, ready for the big match against the plus size moms from Bulgaria. One bends over to push that big metal disc and "WHOOOSH" she throws out her back. Scott Hamilton whispers "AAGGGHHH" to all the television viewers who watch in suspense as the old woman has to be carried off the ice by a team of doctors -- denied of a chance to win gold. Or.... imagine the pre-event clips of the moms in training -- I wouldn't be running down a country dirt road with a reflective look on my face -- you would see me standing in the middle of a messy house with a broom in my hand yelling "KIDS... GET OVER HERE AND PICK UP YOUR SHOES..... BOB COSTA'S AT THE DOOR!!!" I'm telling you... people would tune in!

I also hate that my regularly scheduled programming is all messed up. I couldn't focus when I watched the latest episode of Lost, so now I'm really lost!! I was too busy worrying about who was going to win the Pairs Skating competition! Is anyone else on pins and needles waiting for The Office episode where Pam has her baby????? I can't wait another week!!!! I think one of those Olympic commentators should give up 30 minutes of yakking so that we can at least tune in for that! What do you think??? Are you with me on this one??

Be Mine

I love Valentine's Day. Love, love, love it. I attribute this love to my grandma and my Aunt Suzy who made Valentine's Day special. Every year they made homemade valentines with me..... and red velvet cake. And sometimes, my Aunt would leave a special valentine on my doorstep and ring the doorbell and run. I looked forward to it every year. One time when I was about 7, she left a Big Chief pad of paper and a pen -- thrilling for a paper lover like me. (I've always had a fettish for office supplies.)

Even now, I get giddy when I see a vintage valentine -- they remind me of those days in my grandma's kitchen.... and elementary school years when we could bring in a decorated shoe box to hold the valentines passed out by classmates. Decorating that shoe box was one of the highlights of my school year. I think that's where my love affair with paper and scissors began -- with the crepe paper and doilies that adorned my boxes.

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This year.... I was a huge flake. For some reason, I got behind last week. I didn't make valentines, I didn't decorate my house with hearts and candy, I didn't decorate cookies with my friend Chanin, and I didn't ding-dong-ditch any of my neighbors. I wonder if my neighbors were disappointed that they didn't get a valentine? Their doorsteps were empty this year. I'm still lamenting the fact that I didn't make the time to celebrate and express my love to the many people in my life.

I think it has something to do with the fact that my kids are no longer little. They don't hand out valentines at school, and they aren't interested in ringing doorbells anymore. This makes me so sad. I loved doing these things with them. I still remember the first time Claire and I delivered valentines to all her friends. She was 3. We walked the neighborhood in the pouring rain to hand out her handmade creations. Then we had hot chocolate and I got a cold. I treasure that memory.

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In spite of the fact that my kids have abandoned this holiday, I did do some things to celebrate on my own. I made red velvet cupcakes, I did make a few little last minute treats for friends, and... I did manage to make a special dinner for my family that included love notes -- which I write on this day every year. But, doing these things alone wasn't half as much fun as doing them with someone you love. It felt a little weird.

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Maybe when my kids are out of that "I'm so embarrassed" phase, they will love celebrating Valentine's Day once again. Then we can get back to the business of ringing doorbells and running. If not, I guess I'll have to wait for grandchildren. I hope I won't be too old to run!

J.J. and the Day of the Portraits

Last summer, when I was in Utah visiting family, Nina, my mother-in-law invited me to a High Tea party in her neighborhood. She said "Oh you just have to come to this to see the gardens of my dear friend who is hosting the party... they are so beautiful this time of year." How could I refuse that! Gardens and High Tea, sounded like a perfect way to spend a beautiful summer afternoon.

It was perfect. The garden was magnificent, and the food was heavenly -- tiny tea sandwiches, lemon curd tarts, and current scones with real clotted cream. The company was delightful -- I loved visiting with Nina and her friends. At the end of the party, a woman named Candace Frioux handed each guest a little book that contained all the recipes, including homemade herbal teas --- also incredible. On the cover of the book was a copy of a beautiful oil painting -- a still life of a tea cup, a flower and a lemon. It immediately caught my attention -- something about the way it was painted; it spoke to my heart. I assumed that Candace had copied a picture from an old master painter -- so I asked her: "Oh I just love the cover on this little book, it captured the day -- who is the artist?" She said "My son. I asked him if he would paint it for this handout." I couldn't believe it -- first of all that she would have a son that was nice enough to paint an beautiful still life for a party hand out, and second, that her son was that talented at so young an age. Candace confirmed that her son attended BYU -- a senior in the Fine Arts program.

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As we continued our conversation, Candace said "If you like this, you should come over and see the portraits that my son has painted, that is where his talent really shines." The still life aroused my curiosity. I did want to pay Candace a visit -- I wanted to meet this boy and see more of his work. So I said: "I'd LOVE to meet your son, but I'm leaving town in two days." Candace responded.... "Then you should come over tomorrow -- my son will be home this weekend, I'll introduce you." Candace is nice like that -- willing to invite perfect strangers over to her house for a visit. So, the next day, I gathered my family together and we drove over to Candace's house to meet the artist son -- Jay.
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Jay -- what can I say about him. Incredibly talented, full of life, and so much fun to talk to. And his art .... I wanted every single painting that he showed me. I loved listening to him tell us about each piece -- where he was when he did the painting, why he painted it, and who he sold it to. I loved listening to his mom interject, filling in details, encouraging Jay to show us more. It didn't take more than 15 minutes before I knew that I needed this young man to paint a portrait of Eden and Claire. Matt knew it too, I could see it in his face as he sat there listening to Jay. So we asked him the standard questions -- are you available to paint our kids.... how much do you charge.... how long does it take..... what do we need to do???? Before I knew it the date was set.... Jay asked us to bring Eden and Claire over the following day to sit for their portraits. I could hardly wait.

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The next day, we went back to the Friouxs. Jay talked to Eden and Claire and took lots and lots of pictures, while I hung out with Candace. It was fun to watch the interaction between the three. They were all smiling and laughing, enjoying the day. I loved the idea of youth painting youth. I knew that Jay would be able to capture the spirit of my children. When Jay finished, he said "Ok, that's all I need, I'll be in touch." We departed for home, and then we waited.

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A month went by, and then one day, out of the blue, the phone rang. It was Jay. He said: "I'm done with your paintings and I'm flying to California tomorrow to deliver them to you. Pick me up at the Long Beach Airport." So I did. We spent a few hours lost on the freeway trying to find the home of Jay's friend. We talked about mixing oils, and traveling through Russia to paint the countryside. When we arrived at an apartment complex in Santa Monica, Jay unveiled his work. It was such an exciting moment - sort of like opening a long anticipated Christmas gift. I stood there speechless. I think I cried. The paintings were beautiful.

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There is something about one human being capturing the heart and soul of another with the stroke of a brush. A painting evokes that feeling in a way that a photograph cannot. Jay not only captured the spirit of my children, he captured the day that we visited the House of Frioux. When I look at these portraits, I see Claire and the way the light captured her face that that day in the den, and I see Eden sitting on a stool smiling for the camera. And I see Jay, staring intensely into the eyes of his subjects-- looking beyond what the eye can see.

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Thank you Jay, for a fond memory, and for these beautiful works of art. My family will treasure them always.

Sometimes I Would Swear That I live in a Parallel Universe

Last Monday night, as with every Monday night, I drove Claire and her friend Hayley to dance lessons. As we were driving along, my phone rang. I said: "Don't answer it Claire, it's Eden wanting me to go to the store to buy strawberries." The phone continued to ring and finally went to voice mail.

Two minutes later, Claire's phone rang. I said: "Eden.... begging for strawberries again. Don't answer it." The phone went to voice mail.

Two minutes later Hayley said: "Um... Sister Beutler..... Eden wants me to tell you that as he was filming and a horse shoe hit him on the head."

WHAT???? I said half laughing, half concerned.

Hayley replied: "Eden just sent me a text and it says "Tell my mom I was filming and a horse shoe hit me on the head."

The car pool erupted with hysterical laughter. At my request, Claire called Eden to see what was happening at home that involved horse shoes and a head injury.

Claire to Eden... laughing hysterically: "Eden, what is this thing about a horse shoe?"

Eden to Claire.... very serious: "I was making a movie with my green screen and the lucky horse shoe that Aunt Hauley gave me fell from my shelf and hit me on the head. I don't want to go."

Claire to Eden.... still laughing: "Are you ok? Where is it that you don't want to go??"

Eden to Claire: "Tell mom my head hurts."

Claire to Crystal: "Eden says his head hurts but it's not bleeding or anything. I have no idea what he means by "I don't want to go. Is he going somewhere tonight?"

Crystal to Claire: "Eden has no plans to go anywhere. I have no idea what he's talking about. I think this is going to turn into a plea for strawberries. Ask him how many fingers I'm holding up... if he answers, I'll know he has a serious head injury."

Claire to Eden: "Eden.... how many fingers is mom holding up??

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Eden to Claire: "How would I know that, I'm not in the car!!!"

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Claire to Eden... laughing again: "If your head hurts, drink some water." (She later tells me that this is what all the counselors at YMCA camp tell the campers whenever they are injured or complain that they are sick.... it's a joke between Eden and Claire.)

Eden to Claire: "It's not funny Claire, I was hit by a horse shoe and I am in pain!"

Claire to Eden: "Do you want a burrito?"

Eden to Claire: "Yes please."

This is my life on a regular basis -- so random. I can never make sense of anything, so pardon me if when you run into me some place, I seem a little scattered.

True Love

Have you been searching for the perfect valentine to send your significant other???? Look no further because I have found it:

You can get one here: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=39559638

Tell Dandee that Crystal sent you!

Alias

One of the things I really enjoy whilst driving around my neighborhood is looking at the custom license plates. I like to look for them when I'm on a long road trip too. Sometimes I make a game out of it and write them down. There are three plates in my neighborhood that make me smile. My kids and I hunt for them on a regular basis. I used to see them often parked outside of the elementary school:

Foxybabe

Rikslady

Nowgit

Every time I see the vehicles that sport these plates (all big trucks), I wonder about the women at the wheel and the men who love them. Obviously, husbands or boyfriends gave the plates as a gift to the women they adore. I know very few women who would spend that kind of money on a license plate. I mean, that's the price of a facial..... am I right??

Up until recently, I had never seen the occupants of these vehicles... all have tinted windows. But, the other day, I did. I saw Foxybabe! And you know.... I can see why her significant other gave her the plates. She's a beautiful woman. She must know it too because she's confident enough to drive around in a truck that says Foxybabe.

Rickslady.... is it reasonable to assume that wants the world to know his gal is taken? She must be glad to know her man loves her that much.

But what about Nowgit???? I think she's someone I would rather not mess with. I picture someone like Granny Clampet behind the wheel -- someone who wants people to get out of the way. Someone who owns a shot gun and knows how to use it! There's even a sticker of a guard dog on the bumper of her truck. I'm a little frightened of Nowgit! She gets the credit for inspiring these thoughts -- she zoomed past me today while driving home from the high school. Dust flew in her wake, let me tell you. I look forward to the day that I see Nowgit open her car door. I bet there's a woman inside that looks nothing like the person in my imagination. She's probably soft spoken with long flowing hair and a sweet disposition.

I learned a lesson a few years ago about giving custom plates as a gift. They are very personal. DON'T DO IT if your man is a car lover. It will break his heart and rob him of the opportunity of creating his own alias. Trust me on this one. A few years ago, I gave Matt a license plate for Valentine's Day. It said "Mattsmni" -- (He drives a red Mini Cooper). I thought he would love it. I thought he would jump up and down and say "Wow, how did you know!!!" When I presented him with a DMV envelope (which you need to claim your plates), his shoulders slumped and he said "thanks." But, I know Matt well enough to know when he has to eek out a "thanks", the "thanks" is not sincere. I knew right then and there he would never pick up those plates, or put them on his car. I had crossed the gift giving line.

About 6 months later, I saw a red Mini driving down the street with plates that said "Recoopn." I thought to myself: "Hey cool. Matt would like that." Guess who was at the wheel of the red Mini. Unbeknownst to me, my husband had taken matters into his own hands and created his car identity. Recoopn ...... much more manly than Matsmni. I later learned that Recoopn was a second choice -- "CooprMan" was already taken.

I also learned the reason why my gift was not acceptable -- it contained his name. "It's dangerous when people know your name.... I don't want people hunting me down!" was Matt's excuse. Bah, Humbug is all I have to say to that!! Rick's Lady is doing just fine and so is Rick... I've seen his male profile through the tinted windows. But then again, maybe it's because Rickslady is attached to a huge truck. Maybe Mini Coopers have to be extra careful because even though they are fast, they can pretty much be demolished by a menacing gang of Vespas. Maybe Matt is right.

I confess that I secretly have always wanted a custom license plate. But the dilemma is.... what would it say??? It changes day to day as I'm in my car. Today it would say "Tired." One of these days though, I'm going to come up with something really good like Nowgit! I really don't want to leave the job to Matt, even if he loves cars more than me because I know the outcome would be dismal (sort of like me choosing Matsmni.) I wouldn't be getting a plate that says "Matslady" (which would embarrass me to tears, I'm sorry to say). My plate would say something like:

DABDGER.... as in "the Badger."

Remind me to tell you that story sometime.